My Conflicting Emotions
by Frozen Emotion
Summary: Notice: You may have alreayd read this notice. Not the story ^_^ please read though if you haven't and feel free to read again!
1. Default Chapter

My Conflicting Emotions  
  
Author: Frozen Emotion  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing.  
  
Ratings: PG-13(?)  
  
Warnings: Um…be prepared to be shocked?maybe…tell me if you guys have read this kind of story before! Review! Oh yeah…its angsty…my first…so its okay if it sucks right!?!?! Oh yeah and if you like my regular pairings you might like this…as always its not what you think! AND REVIEW DAMNIT! Heehehe…I mean please I would like your comments…  
  
~*~  
  
It has been three years since the Mariemea coup d'etat. You know, it's funny…it really is. Heero…I used to chase you everywhere because you gave me strength but back then I had convinced myself I loved you. I am convincing myself otherwise now and maybe I really do love you, maybe. All I ever wanted was for you to feel and be happy, have you be able to feel those feelings that I always get when I am near you. That feeling where I want to be with you forever and that feeling where I need to see you smile…just once.  
  
I guess there are just certain things that people have to sacrifice for peace. Peace. My dream.  
  
All that I have now is an office on L1, my small apartment in the better part of town, and my job.  
  
Looking out my window, I can see the park; it is filled with couples and little children this time of year. In the past I had wondered what it might have been like to be normal, to love, and to be loved in return. In the past that is.  
  
It seems, Heero, that you have taken my heart and in its place you have left a hole in which I can no longer feel a damn thing. I would cry but I can't; I just don't care anymore. I give up. I have given up my dream or rather what should have been my life.  
  
Before, before everything, I was just the daughter of a famous politician who had friends and went to parties. I could have grown up and married some rich politicians son Heero! I could have done that and I wouldn't have cared less because that was the life I was supposed to have! I would be rich, living in my elaborate mansion, with my angelic little children, and instead I have my fancy office and my empty life. It is just lovely.  
  
And God Damnit, I was okay with my empty life! I was okay! It was okay that I never received anything I ever wanted because what I wanted was always unattainable.  
  
So now…I just don't understand why you would chose him. Now, out of nowhere you two are together and everywhere and it seems as though you two are so in love, well as in love as the perfect soldier can get.. Funny, I thought he was in love with Hilde. It's so funny I could almost cry.  
  
I know that you only show emotions when you need to. I am happy that you have found Happiness with him Heero, so happy, but I am angry at myself for sometimes wishing you weren't so happy.  
  
I remember it as if it was yesterday, maybe it was, I don't seem to remember anymore since my life is so drab now.  
  
I remember closing the door to my office and heading downstairs to yours. I heard someone in your office but you never seemed to mind when I barged in like I always do; I was always ranting about those feeble minded politicians I work with.  
  
I remember….  
  
So clearly…the way you were holding him and kissing him…so passionately. You two were struggling against each other. I knew at that moments that I could never be yours. You looked up at that moment and I think I saw pity in your eyes. He looked at me too, but it was more in shock.  
  
Now that was a low point, pity for me. Poor Relena. But then I remembered you kissed him, you showed emotion for the first time, even if it wasn't for me, you still showed it, love is an emotion. I guess you want to share it with him.  
  
I didn't know what I was doing but I remember smiling at you and excusing myself. I remember gently shutting your door and how cool the brass handle to the knob felt once I finally shut it behind me. And I remember the burn in my thighs as I tried to walk away as swiftly and calmly as I could, I could never be weak if you were around. I told myself to be happy because you were happy, you found your true love. I really didn't know what to feel. Because even though you were happy I had always imagined that I was the one who would make you smile, make you feel, and feel your kiss. I guess I was wrong. I don't see you two together very often, and I don't see you two embrace anymore, but I think I know. You only act as friends now, or rather whatever you two were before, but I have seen you caught up in passion, Heero, you are human.  
  
Now, everytime I see you I smile more, even though the smile is empty on the inside.  
  
I saw you today with a bruise across your left eye. Always doing your job aren't you Heero? I wonder where you got it. Well, it isn't my place to question, he cares for you now, its no longer my…responsibility…  
  
I am trying support your love for him through my happiness, because you make me strong and you don't have to give me the worry that your job entails you to do. I don't say anything about it but I know you know I know. I should have known I was merely a mission.  
  
But it is alright…only if your happy.  
  
But I wish I didn't love you Heero, I wish you your happiness…  
  
  
  
but I wish it more with me.  
  
  
  
Owari.(?)  
  
Sequel? I know you want the sequel…you do…well…1xR lovers will want the sequel. 1x2 might be surprised…. Review!!! Don't you want relena happy?um….that might be a bad question to ask… 


	2. FFNet's recent changesapologies

Ehehehe.Gomen nasai! *bows* Yes, yes, I am sure by now everyone has thought that I have died and would no longer post stories.but indeed that is not true! Lemon goodness must live on forever!!!!! Forever!!! Due to the new changes at Fanfiction.net I can no longer host my lemon's and other fanfic (^_^; heh..other..singular.oh well ^_^;;;;;;) but not to worry for I have not stopped writing, actually there have been 2 chapters for OWBWFR and one for MCE on my laptop.that have been there since the beginning of summer..I have just been very lazy.too lazy for writing.and obsessed with cosplaying. I will post these new chapters under the same title. Sorry for the disappointment but the reason they can be posted is because they are not lemon but more of a building of plot. I am not sure yet but I think I might just make a ML to send out the rest of my chapters or start a website.(yes I could do that *tries to drudge up old web making info in brain* *dies* x.x) to make them available.or back to the old idea, perhaps I will post the chapters w/o lemons and make the lemons non essential to the plot x.x what am I saying?!?!? Chapters will be up soon! Sorry to all my readers for being so lazy. I'm so ashamed. I'll try to have a chapter every week or so now..try..but it will become more definite in October. Thank you once again for reading my fanfictions.  
  
Frozen Emotion fluffythegundamotaku@yahoo.com 9/15/02 1:37 am ^_^;;;  
  
P.S. x.x now where can I easily find lemons! ;_;! Damn you ff.net! 


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